Why Do You Always Feel Behind?

In 2019, I went to a healing prayer conference. I had endured an odd face rash for more than four years, and was ready for healing.

The first morning, I saw, several rows ahead of me, Judith MacNutt and a few of her trusted companions. One of them, during worship, did a little shimmy, which was both adorable and incomprehensible.

God, I am too weary to do anything but stand on my feet and sing. I can’t move.

I don’t remember feeling tired before arriving. If anything, I thought I was in a good place.

Later that day, I approached Cheryl Williams, one of the speakers. She had done a drive-by blessing earlier (walking up the line of people waiting for prayer, saying a simple blessing, then moving on), and I was hungry for more.

“Will you bless me again?”

“Why not? Cross your hands over your heart.”

She touched my hands, looked at me, and said, “Weariness of heart?”

I hadn’t even known until that morning that I was feeling weary.

“May the joy of the Lord fill your heart to its full extent.”

Amen to that!

“Maybe you have not allowed yourself to receive love much?”

Internally, I thought frantically, Umm … I’m a perfectionist. Are you saying I did something imperfectly? Eek!

“Do you not have time for self-care?”

This completely took me aback. I once had a friend compliment me on how I make time for myself and my passion projects. Wasn’t I doing well in this area? I stammered something like, “Oh! I don’t know! I keep track of my time in fifteen-minute increments! I think I’m pretty good!”

With such good humor and gentleness, she said, “Oh, get over yourself. You need to break the bonds of Kronos, the god of time. When someone prayed this for me, I lost three days.”

Cheryl didn’t elaborate further. But I have another friend who once told about being in a dangerous situation, and four hours later, he suddenly woke up and went safely home. So whether that sort of missing time happened to Cheryl, or she meant something else, this was quite a statement.

“You need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Put your feet up here. ‘Lord, I break the dust of performance off Amy.’”

I had gone to ask for blessing and was, indeed, blessed.

But here is what I found interesting. After I got home, I learned about Kronos, the Greek god of time, in mythology the supreme god until dethroned by Zeus.

He is not the god of rest time, of sleep and worship and glory.

He’s the god of crack-the-whip-over-your-head, “You’re behind, hurry up, what a failure, faster!” time. Horrible, stressful, awful time. The time that leaves you breathless and defeated. “Time when viewed as a destructive, all-devouring force,” as one website puts it.

Yes, break that off!

But there’s another kind of time, kairos time, the time that’s a propitious moment for decision or action.

Think of Mark 1:15, when the appointed time in the purpose of God has come, and the kingdom of God is at hand.

It’s the fullness of time.

What blessing, what rest, comes from trusting that God gives his faithful children time enough to accomplish what he has for us, without panic, stress, or agitation. From living out of God’s gift of plenty, of sufficiency, of lack of hurry. To walk with God, not run ahead of him, nor, of course, lag behind.

Lord, I refuse to partner with Kronos any longer. I say to you, Kronos, be gone, in the name of Jesus. Lord, bless me with the fullness of time. Fill me, Lord, with the fullness of joy. May I not operate out of performance any more, but out of your goodness and grace. You are my Lord. Thank you for your goodness. Thank you that you offer a better way.

This is a good prayer to keep handy, as we might find ourselves falling into Kronos-time again. (In the United States, so many of us live with Kronos as if it’s normal.)

We may need to renew our minds occasionally.

Praise God that doing so is so easy.

When I first started learning about prayer and identity, I found myself almost gasping at times at the grief that I didn’t already know this. How much easier life would have been….

But this is the fullness of time. May we celebrate what we’ve been given, and give to God any grief over the years that were lost.

Thank God who gives us the victory, through our Lord Jesus the Messiah,

Amy Joy

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